Chasing Contentment

Wednesday, July 13

One of the things I find myself wishing for both of my children is for them to have good, Christian role models as they're growing up. More and more, I feel convicted that it's my place as a parent to help guide them toward certain people who can influence them in a Godly manner, especially now while they're young.

I pay more for Griff's after-school care than is absolutely necessary, but I make sure to arrange for him to have male Christian sitters who will interact with him and talk with him. I want him to know college men who are in love with the Lord and who will be open about that with my son. I arrange for young Christian couples to sit with Griff and Eliza while Mike and I go out so that the kids can see other couples interact.

I've always wished I had known more women - outside of my family - who could have served as mentors to me.

In all honesty, I have a much clearer picture of who I do not want to be than of who I do want to be. I have this vivid (though Mike insists mixed-up) picture in my head of a convicted, dedicated Christian woman. And she isn't me. And she isn't someone I want to be. And so, I think that sometimes I avoid certain things that might bring me closer to God, that might enhance my walk with Him, simply because I think they might also bring me closer to this image of someone I don't want to be.

That's an embarassing admission. I sometimes subconsciously resist becoming closer to God because I consciously resist becoming a woman I don't enjoy.

Now, I know logically that God wouldn't mold me into a woman who wasn't someone I could be comfortable being. He is the one who gave me the personality traits that make me ... well, me. And so, He plans to use those particular gifts for His pleasure. The image of a saintly, rigid, unwavering woman is just an image I constructed through the years, and it may or may not have anything to do with who God is crafting me to be.

But the resistance is a bit of a knee-jerk reaction for me. This summer, I've become more and more aware of it, which I'm sure is God's gentle prodding of my soul. And so I'm making efforts - small though they may be - to do the things that I fear, to work through the fear in a bid to get closer to God. Faith, for me, is about trusting Him when I fear myself, when I fear my ideas of things.

[  posted by Chel on Wednesday, July 13, 2005  ]


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