Chasing Contentment

Monday, August 15

I am, in all things, a planner. I do best when I've got everything all mapped out, when things work on a schedule and when I know what to expect. I have, though, figured out through the years that no amount of planning can guarantee me anything. I've learned to slow down a bit and listen to what God has planned, as His plans are always better than my own.

It's not always easy, though. It's getting easier as I practice leaning on the Lord more, but it's still difficult. I don't enjoy the anticipation of things, the waiting - even for good things. I want everything now ... good or bad. I am at my best dealing with things as they come, rather than prolonging things.

I have to fight myself on the Saturday of all of our vacations... knowing that I've only got one more day of freedom makes me cranky. I'm getting better at easing up and just enjoying our time together rather than ruining it with cranky thoughts of that time ending.

We're all in that pre-school days funk around here, wishing our houses would once again be quiet when we sneak there for lunch hours yet not wanting to pack lunches before school or deal with homework after work. We're all startled, yet again, at how cute our little ones look in their new uniforms, but just as startled at how expensive those uniforms were. We're not really summer now but not yet really school either.

When Mike was finishing his coursework, we knew he wouldn't be traveling as much (he worked fulltime in this state while taking courses in another, driving back and forth two or three times a week... four hours each way), and we were so pleased. And yet, in those last few weeks, I was suddenly terrified something would happen to him as he drove. We were so close, and I was afraid of things that might get us before we could finish.

I wonder if the mothers of two of Griff's friends feel that way. Their husbands are both due back from Iraq in September or October, and I wonder if they worry they will get so close but not make it. I worry that, so I pray for both of these families.

When I think of Mike defending his dissertation and getting his degree, I feel that tightening in my chest in that same way. He's worked so hard and come so far, and now, I have this secret fear that something will happen to stop this process. At the conference last week, one of his professors suggested a semester for re-writes, and I thought my head would explode.

It's these in-between moments when my own unrest and fears surface. I do really great with trusting the Lord and not trying to take control when things are big or difficult or in crisis. And I comfortably rest in Him when things are easy, taking advantage of the moments of calm. It's these in-between times that get me all unravelled. I am blessed beyond words that God chooses to meet me in these uneasy places and carry me forward.

[  posted by Chel on Monday, August 15, 2005  ]


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