Chasing Contentment

Thursday, September 15

Sometimes a rocky patch of life catches us off guard - without any warning! - and sometimes it's something we can see coming from where we walk on the cushy green grassy path. This latest bit of our lives has come at me both ways.

We knew this summer that we were in a really good place, and we worked hard to enjoy it, to suck the very wonder from it to store it up for this fall. And steadily, unfortunately, this fall has turned into what we expected. What caught me by surprise was my realization of how deeply this is affecting me. I had been moving along pretty well until one night last week when I just sobbed at something not really that moving. It was then that I saw how I am taking all of this external stress and bringing it into my heart and mind and body.

And I've wanted to write about it but I've also wanted to keep it close to me, to try to ignore the reality of how hard this all is. But the writing about it helps me, and I suppose that sharing it isn't either going to increase the stress I feel or decrease the opinions of me held by the ones who love me. For reasons I won't mention, I won't name the stress we are under right now. It'll be our little unnamed stress. But it is real, and it does weigh heavy on me.

Mike feels angry with the situation and the players in it, and there is an energy in anger that can propell a person from one thing to the next. I am not angry. I am sad. I am heartbroken. And there's just not really any energy in that at all.

I am thankful that God gave me the foresight to begin preparing myself this summer. When things were easy, I began to make the time for a daily time with God and His Word, and that has been an important foundation for me for this fall. I look forward to that time, and I am enjoying His Word more than any other time in my life. I know that is not a coincidence.

A friend of mine said earlier this week that this situation affects us but that it does not define us, and I love that. That may become my mantra for this time. I accept that it will hold a large place in my life for this season, but I do not have to allow it to control me. It can simply be one of many factors in my life.

And so I have to commit to pursuing other things... to continuing my own Bible study and journey of faith... to giving this new couple's Bible study Mike and I are in my all - to not shying away from asking questions because of my insecurity... to beading and reading and tv and movies... to having friends over for dinner... to playing. I have to be sure that the areas of my life that I want to define me are stronger and more vibrant than this situation that threatens to define me.

[  posted by Chel on Thursday, September 15, 2005  ]
[   1 comments  ]


1 Comments:

Your mantra is similiar to mine. Don't allow situations or people control you, let God control you. Don't allow who you are to be defined by what you are going through. Believe me, I have a member of the church I serve who always talks about how poor she is. She has let her circumstances define her. It's quite revolting, if i can say that. Anyway, you are a strong person. I have faith in God and also in your ability to be be obediant to Him. He is bigger than all that you are expereincing.

By Blogger The Pastor, at 11:13 PM  

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