Chasing Contentment

Wednesday, February 15

I wrote a few days ago about my struggle with my perception of a 'good, Christian woman' versus my personality and how I want be (and I received several really lovely comments on that post). I've been struggling with this for the majority of my adult Christian life.

I have been reading "How to Have a Mary Heart in a Martha World" by Joanna Weaver the last week or so. I've tried to read the book before, but it never spoke to me like it does now (I'm very much the Martha girl.).

Last night, one of the chapters I read talked about how it's sin if we say to God that we'll do this or that but not this or that. And it also talked about how it's wrong of us to refuse God.

And I know that's what I'm doing with this perception thing. I've been putting up this wall and telling God that I'll follow Him right up until that point but no further.

Last night, I felt like He was speaking to me and telling me that wasn't right. And so I prayed and told Him I am willing to be whoever He wants me to be. I know that I need to trust that He wants to use me as He created me, not as He created someone else. I need to remember that He creates each of us uniquely to be used for unique purposes. And I also need to be willing to do whatever He asks, and I'm sorry to say, I haven't been willing to do that before.

And so, I'm going to continue reading and studying, and I'm not going to worry about who I might become. I'm just going to trust that who I will be is who He would have me be.

I know that sounds like a very simple thing, a very simplistic answer to the struggles I've had with this, but I feel such a peace about it. I've been so fearful of getting closer to God and turning into someone I don't like that I resisted getting closer to Him at all.

We have had three very difficult years, Mike and I, for various reasons, and in the first two, my faith was strengthened on a very emotional level. I committed last July to keeping a daily Bible study and prayer time with God, and since then, I have found my spirit both challenged and rewarded.

But periodically, I would find myself confronted with that same old fear of turning into this image I had in my head of someone I didn't want to be, and I would pull back. But I've been uncomfortable with that for some time now, and I finally figured out why last night.

I need to step out in faith and trust that God will use me as He created me, that He won't need to change me completely because He made me as I am. And even if He does change me a whole lot (some change would obviously be good), I am going to trust that we will all still like that person, too.

I am willing.

There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. Philippians 1:6 (The Message)

[  posted by Chel on Wednesday, February 15, 2006  ]


Though it didn't really come out all that well, that's what I was getting at in my previous comment. But, it's better that you were able to wrap your mind/spirit around it. I'm glad that you did.

By Blogger Joshua, at 2:06 PM  

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