Chasing Contentment

Wednesday, February 8

One of the reasons that I have felt content in this latest struggle in life, I think, is because I have seen God move in our lives before, and I trust that He will again.

Mike and I aren't very much alike at all, in truth. God put us together, I have no doubt, because we compliment one another. We do that in our marriage and as parents. And it's interesting to me to see qualities from both of us in our children.

Griff is a wonderful mix of the two of us. Eliza, thus far, is mostly me. She's this physical representation of all that I see as both good and bad about myself... running around in this tiny little fiery, independent toddler body. But Griff, Griff. He is this excellent swirly blend of me and Mike.

Last night, he asked me if I watched "American Idol" after he went to bed (he knows there are shows we watch that he isn't allowed to see). I told him it was on while he was still awake, that we just had never watched. He told me that all of the kids in his class were talking about it, and he asked if we could watch, too.

Later, after I had agreed that we could watch Idol, he told me that he understood that it was okay to be different but that sometimes it was good to fit in, too.

And there is such wisdom in that simple observation. And both Mike and I are living in that sentence, in this boy. Mike doesn't much give a rat's rear what much of anyone thinks of him, and he has this confidence level that is just unmatched. I, on the other hand, really want everyone to like me and to be pleased with me.

Mike's okay being different, and I want to fit in. But in all honesty, I'm less that way than I was before I met Mike. God has taught me - through my husband - that it really doesn't matter so much what other people think. I have learned that if I am living in the way that I believe God directs me to live, I am okay. I am so much more confident now in my own abilities, the talents that God gave to me.

I'm still working, though, on some other areas of my life. In those areas, I'm less the strong mid-30s mama woman and more the insecure 7-year-old wanting to watch the same show as everyone else.

My prayer is that God will continue to mold me and to shape me until I leave the insecurities behind and accept that I am completely loved in this very body in this very moment.

I'm grateful to my husband for being willing to be used by God - most likely unknowingly - and to my son for being such a pure reflection of the two of us. And I'm grateful, too, to Eliza for being a mirror of me. The things I admire in her already are things I should admire in myself.

[  posted by Chel on Wednesday, February 08, 2006  ]


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