Chasing Contentment

Thursday, October 5

My new job is going okay, I suppose. I've done nothing but training in the five weeks I've been employed with them, so it's hard to tell whether I'm going to enjoy the actual job or not. But I passed my second big test today, and I'll begin doing some aspects of the actual job tomorrow. The area I'll be in is a call center environment, and my entire class agreed this afternoon that I'll be the one to get the really crazy, difficult call in the morning as the first call. I'm not at all sure what that says about me.

I've been proud of myself (which most of my friends would say isn't something I say about myself often) this week as we've progressed with the training. I've been very patient with an older classmate who has been struggling, and it was actually enjoyable to help her through some of the computer system training. And I've been proud of myself for doing as well as I have. For someone who says that it's good to have a healthy pride in oneself, I've not always practiced that.

In some ways, this move has allowed me to be more me. I haven't much had anything to lose, nothing at stake, and so I've just been me... nothing more, nothing less. And people can either like it or not. In the past, I've worried about what people thought of me. Turns out, now I don't so much care. The people who love me are the ones whose opinion matters to me, and I seem to be doing okay with them.

And it's been nice to be exactly who I am without worrying about anyone's perceptions of me or with what anyone expected me to be. It's been odd, though, in some ways, because I've been changing, too, letting go of some of the things that have always been pretty inherent in my ways. I've quit using my big planner and have taken to sporadically using a small, spiral college kid planner. I've quit being in charge of our family finances and have begun assuming Mike's handling it. I've quit ... I hate to even suggest it ... worrying so much.

Mike's different, too. He's respected by his new colleagues, and he's able to be the strong professor that he maybe wasn't always able to be at his former school because of people's familiarity with him personally. My antisocial husband now goes to lunch with people a couple of times a week. He's the parent both of my kids' teachers know well. He's reading non-school materials. He made snacks for Eliza's birthday at daycare tomorrow.

I suppose it's no wonder that I feel very grounded in me and very unsettled in my life right now. There are, blessedly, a few certainties. I am sure, without any doubt, that this move was inspired by God. I am sure that this little foursome of ours will withstand this move and come out stronger. I am sure that those friends who were close to me before the move are still close to me now.

I am sure that this unsettled season will gradually pass into a greater state of contentment until, one day, I'll realize that we all really are at home here.

[  posted by Chel on Thursday, October 05, 2006  ]


Post a Comment