Chasing Contentment

Thursday, October 19

So, as it turns out, I have some self-esteem issues. That won't come as any big surprise to anyone who knows me well, but I've been confronted with the fact a lot as I've begun this new job.

I've been doing this particular portion of the job training for eight days now, and on two of those days I've won the award for having the best stats the day before. I guess two out of eight days in a group of 12 isn't so bad. And yet, because I don't want to appear better than anyone else, I worry that my stats are good because I'm doing something wrong.

This morning, one of my trainers came over to tell me that one of the files I handled yesterday had an error in it, and I was just so discouraged. Now, logically, I can see that having my first error handed to me on my eighth day isn't so bad.

Basically, I'm figuring out, it's all in my attitude. People are going to yell at me on the phone (I got more than my share of it today), and I'm going to make mistakes (one of my trainers keeps telling me that's why they call this 'training'), and I'm going to have to keep my cool and keep learning.

It's just that I was so accustomed to doing my job before, and I was so good at it (though I didn't realize it at the time despite everyone telling me that - and I do apologize to those who told me & I didn't listen) that this new learning curve is really difficult to take. I was used to knowing what to do and how to do it. The biggest questions I ever had were AP Style issues, and I always just called Mandy and asked her.

This, this is a whole different thing.

And yet, there are moments when I talk with someone on the phone and laugh with them and am able to help them, and it feels really rewarding. And there are moments when I figure out some odd question, and it feels really invigorating.

Now, if I could just get to the point where there were more of those moments than of the ones of me standing in tears in the back stall of the ladies' room on my floor I'd be doing great.

I've had such lovely backhanded compliments in recent weeks about my previous job performance, and it's been a really great thing. The compliments come in spurts, usually just about the time I need one the most, like today. I'm trying to remember that my former job didn't come easily at first either, and that if I stick with this one for 14 years, I'll probably be pretty good at it, too.

Until I get to that point, though, I've decided to act the way I'd like people to see me. I'm going to quit apologizing for needing to ask for help, and I'm going to quit feeling bad when I make a mistake. I'm just going to take it for what it's worth and move on. I'm going to act as if I believe myself that I can do this job. And one day, I'll believe it.

[  posted by Chel on Thursday, October 19, 2006  ]


I think everyone has nerves when they start a new job. I recalled my own experiences when I read your post. I liked what you said about making an error on your eight day - that put it into perspective.

By Blogger Catez, at 3:52 PM  

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