Chasing Contentment

Sunday, December 17

So, God does like to give me little reminders. The day after I posted about not being able to pray, a friend of mine wrote me and email and confided something to me about her life that drove me to my knees. I may not be comfortable praying for me yet, but I can pray for her.

My prayer life began in earnest when I began praying for those that I loved. When I would wake in the middle of the night and couldn't go back to sleep, I would pray for each person in my life until I drifted off to sleep. I had a prayer journal, and one day of each month, I would pray for someone specific. I need to do that again.

God also tends to point things out to me in unexpected ways and in unexpected places. We went to see Chuck, Stacy, and the kids today so we could see the kids' Christmas program at church. As we sat in the back and Eliza squirmed beside me in the pew, we listened to the songs and the handbells, and I just didn't much feel anything.

I thought, 'I'm like the wayward family member people bring to church at the holidays. I'm just sitting here wondering how much longer it'll take.' And I realized just how empty I feel at times.

I am remarkably lighter and calmer and more content now than I was a year ago. I feel empty now, but I felt tense and afraid then. The change in job situations has been so improved by this move that there are hardly words to describe our relief. I was angry and anxious last year this time, but I was also well cared-for by those who loved me. And some of that is what's missing now.

But I feel a bit like the Israelites in the wilderness. Everything that I asked God for in terms of this move has been given to me. I asked for a comfortable home, and we have it. I asked for friends for both kids, and they have them. I asked for a job for Mike that would allow him to blossom in his teaching, and he has it. I asked for a job for me that was different from what I did before and that would put me in a secular environment so that I could be a witness for Christ. Whether or not I'm being a good witness is certainly up for debate, but God did give me what I asked.

And I'm like a spoiled child not really enjoying what I got, even though I asked for it. I trusted God to get us here, and then I wasn't pleased with how things turned out... just like the wanderers all those years ago.

Mike assures me that we're all like the Israelites at times. He's a sweetie that way.

I trusted God to give me this job, and if I believe that He wants me in this place for a reason, then logically, He will give me the skills and ability to actually do the job well enough to be allowed to stay. As I start a new phase of this job tomorrow (and I'm nervous about it), I'm going to try to remember that... to remember that God will provide what I need.

And now, I feel more ready to do the things that need to be done in order for me to move closer to Christ again. I'm not a big Christian music fan, but I'll listen to more traditional holiday hymns, to remind me of the reason for the season. And I'll commit to praying for someone special each day. And I'll work toward spending some time with God each day.

I am grateful for all of those who are out there praying for me, encouraging me to keep going during this time.

[  posted by Chel on Sunday, December 17, 2006  ]


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