Chasing Contentment

Thursday, December 14

Through the years, I've identified with God in different ways, felt close to Him because of different things. At times, I've felt Him as a friend, a confidant. At other times, I've felt Him as a Father, a protector and guide. Now, I don't feel much at all.

I've always believed that questioning God was better than simple acceptance. I think God welcomes our inquiry because it strengthens our understanding. I also believe that faith cannot be explained. It simply is. I could name countless reasons why I love Mike, but in the end, I just do. It simply is.

For me, God is that way. Believing in Him isn't difficult for me. It simply feels right, and faith comes easily to me. I've written in the past about how Bible study doesn't come easily to me, but, like faith, prayer does.

Since the move, I've found that prayer and that feeling of connectedness to God is elusive. It isn't the easy, refreshment that it has been for me in the past.

I admit that at first, I resisted prayer for selfish reasons. This move has hurt, and I didn't want God to take that pain away too quickly. I wanted to feel it deeply, to experience it so that I didn't feel as if I left my loved ones easily. But then, when that resistance faded, I found that nothing really took its place. Now, there's an empty place instead.

I try to pray, but I don't really manage to make that connection. And yet, in no way do I doubt God's presence in our lives or His direction of our lives. And I am deeply grateful that when I am able to feel that connection again, He will be there.

A while back, a friend of mine went through a difficult time in her life and pulled away from me. She told me that she knew that when she was ready, I'd be there. It made me feel very much like a doormat friend (a characterization several people strongly disagreed with). And now, I'm doing the same to God.

Today, on the way to the company Christmas lunch, I rode with three other individuals, and we discussed families and children/parents who didn't speak any longer. I think about my kids and how I love them, and I can't imagine not speaking to them. And yet, I'm doing the same to my heavenly Father.

I asked Mike the other day if he thought God would forgive me when I finally made my way back to Him. He said yes, and I hope he's right.

[ posted by Chel on Thursday, December 14, 2006 ]
[ 10 comments ]

10 Comments:

First off my friend, I can completely relate to where you are coming from. There are times when it doesn't feel like God is around at all. However, we have to remember that the Lord is never far from us, we are just far from Him. Additionally, it is at those times when the Lord is working some of His greatest works within us. As for problems praying, sometimes the only words I can manage to say to Him are "Lord, help." and "Lord, You know". You have to remember that He knows our thoughts and prayers before we even sit down for "formal prayer." God is good like that :) As for reading the Bible, I can relate to that also. Sometimes it just doesnt "speak" to me the way I know that it should and I feel guilty. I do a chronological reading plan and do the studies on my blog - that way it holds me more accountable because I want to share my faith with others, and that is one way of doing it. Other times I just read Psalms because they comfort me. Our relationship with the Lord is about open communication and honesty. Just be honest with Him about how you have been feeling. He is our wonderful counselor (Isaiah 9:6) and our best friend. And as for wondering if He will forgive you when you are ready, of course :) Tell the Lord that you need Him, that you love Him and that you want to be close to Him again - He is right there waiting for you...always there ready to hold you, comfort you, and welcome you into His healing arms.

*hugs*

By Anonymous, at 8:10 AM