Chasing Contentment

Wednesday, January 17

I find that just about the time I'm feeling like things are going better, something happens to challenge that feeling. And I'm reminded yet again that so much of this life is what I make of it. I can choose the way I respond to what is happening around me, and I have to make a specific choice to respond positively.

My sister-in-law said the other day that it must have been hard to leave Sunday. And in some ways, it was. I'll always miss those dear friends deeply. (It's obvious by how I talk to each of them several times a week.) But the leaving this time wasn't as agonizing as it was back in the fall. And, to me, that means that I'm adapting to life here and that I'm accepting the changes and moving forward with my life, which is a very good thing.

And then, the day after, Griff came down with the flu and had to stay home from school for the rest of the week, as per doctor's orders. And my corporate job won't allow me any time off for the first six months of my employment there (some say, even after that, time off is discouraged). And it rips my heart out to not be here at home when one of them is sick. I have all of this guilt about not being the kind of mama I'd like to be... or that I was previously.

Now, I can't imagine that I'll ever find a job that will afford me the same flexibility or amount of time off that my previous job did. I also can't imagine working for an institution that could make us as miserable as a family as that one did, so the pros are far outweighing the cons with this corporate job.

I spent a good portion of my morning today trying not to cry at my computer screen in my little cubby area at work. My sweet co-workers were aware and were just uniformly sympathetic and supportive, and I am humbled by that. I am also aware - now that the tears have dried and Mike's come to the rescue by arranging competent child care for the rest of the week - that my response at this point is my choice.

In the end, I simply have to choose to say that this is what it is and that it isn't forever and that I just need to stick it out a little while longer. I just need to keep walking this particular path with hope... and gratitude... trusting that I really am the good mother Mike says I am.

[  posted by Chel on Wednesday, January 17, 2007  ]


I understand. Just remember that you are a marvelous mother for both of your children. They are lucky to have you!

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:08 AM  

Thanks. I've always said that kids are better off when they're mama is happy, regardless of whether she's home or at work, but sometimes the mama guilt gets to me.

By Blogger Chel, at 3:27 PM  

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