Chasing Contentment

Tuesday, March 20

(I'm posting this after the first post of the evening, so that the three of you who are reading - and many thanks to each of you - can read these in order.)

Ok. So I'm going to keep going tonight, though I admit that I've considered not. But that would be pretty lame, now wouldn't it?

So my biggest issue ... probably of my life ... is a small and petty issue when compared with some that other people face. I will readily admit that. But I also believe that when we compare struggles we all come out on the losing end, and we diminish what we each face.

That said, I have some self-image issues. That's my PR way of saying that. The ugly voice-in-my-head way of saying it is that I'm fat. In our house, the 'f' word isn't a four letter curse word but rather a three letter derogatory word. Usually, the word's banned unless it's used in reference to yucky stuff on chicken. So you can tell when things are really bad when that's the word I use in reference to myself.

I'm not skinny. I'm not the side of a barn, either. On a good day, I would say that I'm a curvy mama of two with a body built for loving. I'd say that my body was strong enough to give life to these two little beings and one that is strong enough to keep us all strong together.

On a bad day, I'd have less pleasant things to say.

My parents did countless lovely things for me when I was a child. One of the less lovely things was that they placed a strong sense of value on physical appearance (they offered to buy me a car when I was 16 if I lost a certain amount of weight & that seemed perfectly reasonable to me at the time). To this day, deep inside, I feel like a fair bit of my personal worth is wrapped up in how I look.

I know that when things are tense for me or when I'm worried about something serious (like not feeling competent at my job), I tend to obsess on my weight and my appearance. And then I get swept into this icky cycle of my icky thoughts feeding on one another.

Here's the really icky thing... the thing I dislike the most isn't that I'm overweight. It's that I have this idea that I'm too lazy to really set a goal of any sort and work for it. Ugh.

Now I'm sure my friends are reading this and making lists in their heads of things I've accomplished that disprove that assumption in my head. And I am eternally grateful for them and their support.

And it isn't as if my health isn't okay. I've never had a doctor suggest that anything was wrong with my weight. And it isn't as if I am not able to enjoy my family or whatever activities I want. And it isn't as if Mike isn't perfectly happy with my body (God love him).

So this big blah of mine tonight is me saying that I need to be kinder to myself than I currently am... that I need to as kind to myself as I am to others. And so I'm going to make an attempt to do that. And I'm going to try to think about healthier living rather than weight loss. And I'm going to make an effort to see the lovely in me.

So there. My big confession done.

[  posted by Chel on Tuesday, March 20, 2007  ]
[   2 comments  ]


2 Comments:

You are beautiful! I have seen you and know! Yes, I am your friend so it doesn't count (I know you are saying that to yourself). But I do not have to say it. I did not have to write it here! I say it because there are many things about you that make me envious! I would love to have your curves, your dark hair, your eyes. So for those who have never seen you, I can say you are gorgeous. You are not FAT. I will join you and support you in a healthier lifestyle, though. I could use it myself! Maybe we can support each other.

By Anonymous Lee Ann, at 5:00 PM  

Chel,

You are wonderful and beautiful. I have always admired you and your attitude in life. Don't let those voices in your head tell you anything differnt than you are the perfect looking person in the world. You are that beautiful mama that your fridge magnets used to describe.

Love Mandy

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:25 PM  

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