Wednesday, June 6
Griff and I are listening to a little Jimmy Buffet ("Math Suks" and "I Will Play for Gumbo," thanks to iTunes) while he reads (a new book by the Fonz), and I think about how to say what's going on here.I'm doing better these days. Many thanks to those sweet people who left a comment or who emailed me to see how things were. I had a wide array of friends tell me that they thought it was okay to be mad at God, as long as I was honest with Him about it. And I was honest... with God, with Mike, with those of you who've been reading here.
My job isn't any better. But I've come to some important realizations about that. First, I am good at several portions of the job itself. And with time, I could become good at the other areas, too. But I personally have more than 200 cases, and I honestly cannot handle the load. I tend to focus on the quality of my work, while the company's looking for quantity. And I'm finding that I don't adjust to that very well.
I also don't thrive in an environment where all of the motivation is laced with a little fear. And there's a lot of that.
So, I do realize now that maybe it's less that I'm failing at this job and maybe more simply that this job and I aren't so much compatible.
And... yep, here it is... I'm not angry with God any longer. After I decided that, I did think that maybe God was mad at me. And I couldn't figure out why. Much like Job, I did some yelling and crying, trying to figure out what I did wrong. But when I was telling Mike about how God was mad at me, he asked me if God was mad at a friend of mine who is having marital difficulties.
Of course, not! Oh, yeah. The Chel double standard. Ok, so maybe God's not mad at me. So if I'm not mad at God and He's not mad at God, where does that leave me? To be honest, I don't know. I'm not happy with this current situation. But I'm honest about it, and I'm willing to say that God has plans I cannot envision. And I'm willing to give this life over to Him, whatever that means.
Now, I'm not trying to say that I don't have this perpetual headache or these icky morning butterflies in my tummy every morning as I leave for work when everyone else is my house is still in bed. And I'm not saying that my tears have dried, but at least maybe I can accept them better.
Now, I've got to take my tired tush (I gave blood at work today & I always get really tired after) to bed while Mike watches the Astros. (Go 'Stros)
[ posted by Chel on Wednesday, June 06, 2007 ]
[ 4 comments ]
4 Comments:
hey chel, glad you are back to blogging and feeling better. have missed ya.
i have been quite frustrated with work also these days, which is not normal. been really challenging, emotionally and spiritually.
thanks for your lovely comments on my blog. they made me smile. :)
~tammy
Chel,
First of all, I think it's amazing that you have the capability to even leave your house in the morning to the job you don't like when everyone else is still in bed. I honestly don't think I'd have the strength to do that. I just want to give you a huge 'high five' for doing that. You, my friend, are have more strenght and courage than I think you believe you have. Don't give up. The right thing is going to lay itself before you. And it may have taken some time just because God wanted you and Him on the same page. I think this is always how it is --- always. Let God know it's all up to Him and not up to us anymore and the right things fall into place.
xo
va
i meant to sign that...
val :)
Thanks for the encouragement. It really is becoming harder and harder just to go to work every day, especially with all of my family still here at home.