Chasing Contentment

Friday, August 3

I've always been very forthcoming here (which may be interpreted either as good or bad, depending entirely upon your perspective), and I often try to work things out here that are swirling around in my head.

I've written before about my self-image and self-esteem issues before, and I've been thinking about some of those things lately.

I'm getting better at my job, which is nice. I've written about how I've chosen to be a 3 and a good mom rather than a promote-able 5 and an absentee mom. Yesterday, my supervisor gave me my July scores, and I'm a 3.79. How exciting is that?! I'm almost a 4! Who knew?!

One of the girls in my section came to me today to ask a question, and I answered her and then promptly told her to ask someone else to be sure. An older lady in my group who has been doing this for years asked me, "Michele, why do you do that? Your answers are usually right. Why do you assume you're doing it wrong?"

And I don't really have a good answer for that.

I've always felt like somewhere along the line, grownups forgot that genuine pride in work well done or in skills well honed was a good thing. All of that "pride goeth before the fall" stuff... I think that those most in danger of pride becoming arrogance are those who are the least affected by the sentiment. Those who should feel a genuine pride and confidence sometimes take the meekness too far.

And while I doubt anyone would describe me as 'meek' and while I'm quite sure that wasn't the reason I did it, I did at some point begin to downplay my own talents and skills in an effort to not seem 'braggy.' But I think it wasn't the best choice, and now it's an irritating habit.

When Debbie said that to me today at work, it was like she shook me. The way I feel in my head isn't always accurately reflected by the things I say about myself. And that's a weird disconnect.

So here's my goal for the month of August... I'm not going to say anything ugly about myself out loud (maybe in September I'll aim for not saying anything ugly about myself in my head either). I'm not going to say I'm an idiot or that I'm stupid or that I'm fat (shh... that's one I say in my head more than out loud... if I say it out loud, someone might agree with me) or that I can't do that.

Instead, I'm going to say, I didn't realize that or I didn't know that, I'm glad I'm learning these things or I'm quite lovely or oh, my goodness, I'm really good at that.

We'll see how it goes.

[  posted by Chel on Friday, August 03, 2007  ]


Yay! Sounds like a lovely plan!!

By Blogger Aleece, at 8:07 PM  

You and I are A LOT ALIKE.

I love your plan. What a great plan. You are great at writing your blog entries. What a great writer you are. Start with that, ponder that, and tell yourself that, too :)

By Blogger it's me, Val, at 7:17 AM  

Thanks, to both of you. And thank you, Val, for saying what Aleece has said for years... that I'm a good writer. I need to make time to do more creative writing. Maybe I'll add that to one of my lists. :)

By Blogger Chel, at 6:08 PM  

Do I need to start leaving random emails with "reminders" of your positive traits? If I did, it would overload your server! You have too many to count!

By Anonymous Lee Ann, at 8:00 PM  

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