Chasing Contentment

Monday, July 16

Linda and I always swapped books when we lived in town together, and now, we mail books back and forth. When Griff and Mike were there last month, she and I both used Mike as a cutie-patootie pack mule for the books we wanted one another to read. She sent me this book that was as difficult to read as it was completely engrossing.

One of the things I kept thinking about through the book was the idea that we create our own lives. Now, I know that there are lots of things we don't create, would never in a million years choose. But I do believe that we create our own responses to our life situations and in doing so, create our lives themselves.

And I've been thinking about how I want to create this life. This life doesn't feel to me like an extension of my old one. It's a completely new entity. There's my Louisiana life and my Florida life, and there are bridges between them but there are different lives along my journey.

For the first six months here, the heartbreak was probably palatable around me. Literally, I got out of bed each day and just managed to walk through the day itself, trying to do what had to be done, to encourage my children, to work to convince Griff that this would be okay. For six months, my heart hurt.

And while I cannot pinpoint the moment when it stopped hurting every hour of every day, I know that it didn't stop until after the first of the year. But sometime after Christmas, I missed people and places and faces, but I didn't ache with it.

And then all heck exploded at work, and it was all I could do to get out of bed each day and walk through the day hating my job and feeling horrid for it. I was suffocating with the trapped feeling I couldn't escape, even in my sleep.

I've been floating, not determining my destiny... just trying not to drown.

But now, now I think that maybe I'm ready to begin swimming. I'm not angry with God any more. And I don't think God's angry with me. (I could hear the relief in Mike's voice when I told him that last night.) I just think this is where we are now. Where we go from here is up to us.

I am ready to begin creating this life. And that is a really encouraging feeling.

[  posted by Chel on Monday, July 16, 2007  ]


Congratulations on coming through a tough time. Hoping things are looking up from here on.

By Blogger Corinne, at 7:50 PM  

I love to hear how you are ready to make changes. That takes so much willpower! I am proud of you and can't wait to hear more, especially the encouraging parts :)

By Blogger it's me, Val, at 11:08 AM  

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